I have found that whenever I have something in my heart to say, and I just can't seem to say it in words, it's best to stop and write it in poetry. I've been writing and deleting many letters to you these past two weeks, and I think I just need to say what I want to say...

[ahem]

Dreaming and longing
Long before you did
Like a little swallow
My heart decided to roost
out of reach
under your roof

It is lost, until it learns to leave
on its own
Unretrievable, uncoxable until perhaps
the coldness there
surpasses the lonely air

I have been standing,
helpless,
wavering at the threshold
Anxious for a way
to take it in
my hands again

It's built a nest there
Probably out of
those short strands of memories
you've probably shrugged aside
and probably forgotten about
[would rather forget about...?]
Memories, to me
a soft down...

...a soft down...and down...

This house of yours
seems to me
a perfect place to perch
There are children there
which I long to care for
in my life
It is a gentle house, and a kind house
I like the way it's built. :)

I liked it very much when I visited there...

But perhaps I had been too selfish
made myself minutely
too much at home...
Maybe I helped myself too much
to what was in the fridge...
And did you wish
you'd never allowed me
inside...?

And now I'm afraid to even sit on the porch
and share a drink
and talk
and laugh...

I'm afraid to be your friend now
Because I can see the warmth inside
when I look into the kitchen window of your eyes
Afriad I'll invite myself in again
Afraid you'll regret again
not saying no...

I wouldn't want to be regretted.

I wouldn't want my love to be regretted...

So this week, I have stayed away.
Try to let my little swallow
find its way
home on its own

You can't force these things

But I wouldn't want you to wonder
if I missed you

I would sleep on your doorstep if I could
I would sleep on your bed
if I weren't afraid
of your regret...

Ah, this lonliness in California
this new place
I have never been here this long before...
And already I miss
the settling leaves of autumn
The time to snuggle by the fire
settle down for the evening
settle down after the brightness
of spring turns yellow
settle down after the fire
of new love glows low
comfortable in a gentle home
to stay for a while

I miss being settled.

I miss those long late saturday afternoons
leisurely lingering on love all day long
I miss being comfortable

It's a cozy house I spy
on the other side of your eyes.
I'm afraid to look there.
I want to live there
if even for a short while...

And what tennant have you found?
My kind is not welcome in your town
I un-bless your sweet home
just by who I am
And, regardless, I would eventually
cause trouble
in the end
The compromises would be too great...

But what place does logic
and fortelling
and knowing better
hold for love??
"Should" is not a word for love
For love knows no rules
or beliefs
or boundaries

or will of it's own...

Ah, but why let my little swallow
settle
unreachable
in its lonely roost?
I should say stay away
Let the smoldering coals grow cold
before they flame and flare
and burn that house down

It's the right decision...

...right...?

(August, 1996)